i'm not so sure anymore

I don't know what to do to be "ok" anymore.

Everything is getting harder. Its as if this noose around my neck is getting tighter and tighter.

All of a sudden he doesn't want me because he's "heard things" about me. This means: he thinks I'm a whore. How is a virgin a whore? I don't sleep around. I don't go around giving random guys head. If I were a guy and closer to him, he'd pat me on the back for my random nights.

There's always something wrong with me. I can get so close to a guy... but then he'll look a little closer and realize I'm fucked up. Totally cracked just under the surface. Defective.

I haven't spoken to some of my best friends in weeks. Either they disregard my feelings completely or use me for parties. Its not worth it. I'm human.

I've decided to get clean until school is over. Its harder than I thought. I didn't think my friends would actually peer pressure me to do something I've stated as "not for me."

At school I feel resltess, isolated, and alone. Same story goes for at home. I don't have a place in my family, circle of friends, or my dream boy of the week's arms. It doesn't even feel like I belong in the universe.

I really don't know what to do to be "okay" anymore.

I always say, "I'm not fine now, but I'll be ok later." or "Shit happens. I'll get over it." But shit has been happening for the past 2 years and I really don't know how to even begin to be "ok." I haven't been "ok" in a long time.

If I thought the pieces in my life were falling apart around me, I guess now I'd just watching the bits and pieces crumble into ash.

I'm trying so hard to look for the positives in my life. I desperately need them. Besides the old, "You've got your health" thing... I really don't know where else to look. I don't know what to do. I really don't know what to do.

it seems...

I'll be ok.

1 week ago I found out. I'm still breathing.
2 weeks ago I messed up and he hasn't called since. I have yet to shed a tear.
6 days since I realized I can hurt somebody. But they still care and keep trying.
4 months of feelings completely alone at school. But I show up every day.

Sometimes I feel incredibly selfish. Wanting what I can't have and wishing for the impossible and not wanting what I have in front of me.

If I say yes, I'm settling. If I say no to him, I still that lonely, sad whore.

happy endings

Don't exsist.

I just want it all to be over.

All of this stupid shit just to be over. For the past year to have not happened. I want people to quit keeping things from me. I want to quit believing the nice boy who says nice things. I want to get over the high school drama. I want to get over what people say about me. I want to get over this town and the rude people in it.

I want out.

What is the truth? *edit*

Its what you can't tell. Why can no one tell the truth? Honesty isn't a virtue or prized these days. You can't tell the truth to anyone these days. All it leads to is confrontation or misunderstandings, anger or resentment. Why does the truth always hurt so much worse?

Whats is true about my life?

I said "no." And now he doesn't want anything to do with me. What is it with guys only wanting sex. Is that an honest truth? Its become true with every guy I've been remotely involved with for the past year. The truth is, I know this truth. I can't be optimistic about it anymore. I can see through it and their intentions. I thought I had a chance at reaching someone on a deeper level, on a relationship-type level. The truth is: he lured me in with talk like that and then broke my heart as he has before. Instead of feeling it break all over again, I block it out like everything else.

Its true I do "bad things." I don't even know how people see me anymore. My best days at school are the ones where I'm high. My best nights are the ones I don't fully remember. Sometimes I forget what it is that I tried so hard to forget. Thats when I am at peace. People can't respect that about me. But people don't know the truth about me and what it is I'm running from.

I'm running from my life. When the life of a Romantic (one who tries to free the imagination or escape to the long ago or far away) goes to the extreme they become dissatisfied (resulting in addictions and depression). I learned that in Humanities.

I have food, clothes, and shelter. Many around the world don't. I realize that and being so dissatified makes me feel even worse. It makes me feel ungreatful.

What I'm running from is this tainted notion of love. I don't even remotely know the meaning of the word. Friends I've had have always abandoned me. Always. Or maybe its me that pushes them away. I feel like my life is a sinking ship. And as the captian, its my responsibility to clear the ship (my life) of all the innocent victims and take it like a man and go down with the ship.

You first feel love from your family. Because the truth is: you can't rely on people. People are just people who will disappoint and hurt you. So family is where it's at, right?

What happens to a person... when their family becomes a group of strangers they live with? They don't interact, hug, or converse positively. Secrets may as well be painted all over the walls. No one is allowed to speak the obvious. How do you walk on egg shells in a place where you should hang your hat and call home? Reposessions, bank statements, lawsuits, foreclosures, and adultry are only mentioned if you stumble upon the clues. The truth is, its only faced when exploited.

The truth is, I run from the uncertanty of my life. I'm a logical, analytical individual. I try to make it on my own because I've never had anyone else. I need to know Steps 1-99 in order to get from A to B. I need to know cause and effect. Possible causes and probably effects. I need to know why things happen and what will happen. I can't know that with my life. Dissatisfaction.

Here's a truth: I try not to trust people. I seem to get hurt every single day of my life. Or maybe one good time that will last me until I see a glimmer of opportunity in someone else. I don't forget until I find something new. I don't trust men. There are NO good guys. The good guys are just virgins who haven't found out how to manipulate girls for sex yet. The almost good ones will still hurt you or they just won't understand or reach deep enough into your psyche to connect. They're there, but they do you no good.

The truth is: I hide because I can't solve. I can't fix a damn problem in my life. I have no control over my life. Just control over my state of mind. If I alter that, I can think of new things.

For example: Instead of wondering why I seem to have the word "whore" stamped across my forehead... I wonder why man created time instead of functioning through instinct. Animals don't work on time. Their instincts tell them when to eat, sleep, attack or fuck. What good has time done us?

The truth is: I don't know. I know nothing. I'm confused and here I have found myself alone, again.

I can't tell my friends the full truth about things. It will either be "I told you so" or "Man... that sucks." Neither help me solve or find a new truth. You can't rely on people to:
-care
-help
-understand
-respond how you anticipate
-notice
-tell the truth

But I've done my best.

"I make no apologies for how I chose to fix what you broke."

----edit-----

In case you don't read the paper... my family filed for bankrupcy. Yeah, I found out from the fucking paper as well. Does ANYONE else think that is extremely fucked up?! What do I do now?!

They never tell me anything. This is so embarassing.

I don't want fucking attention or anything but right now I can honestly say I hate my life.

The fucking news paper.....